How to get a Girl For Dummies
by dreamerized
Summary: ALL HUMAN! Ever wondered how many ways dating can go wrong? Edward is trying in vain to get Bella's attention! Humour & Romance, please Read & Review!
1. Chapter 1: Another Fruitless Attempt

Title: **How to get a Girl For Dummies**

Category: Books » Twilight

Author: dreamerized

Language: English, Rating: Fiction Rated: T

Genre: Humor/Romance

**Chapter 1: Another Fruitless Attempt**

It was another typical summer day at Forks High. The sun was non-existant, the students were as happy as students could be and the teachers were dead boring and thinking up new challenges in which they could offer awesome prizes like golden onions.

Edward Cullen was trying in vain to capture Bella Swan's attention. Nothing new there. This time he was doing gymnastics that even the USA gymnastic team would be proud of.

"Look what I can do Bella!" he hollered.

"Very nice." Bella walked away, continuing to read the book and muttered under her breath, "You vain big-headed ape."

"Big-headed ape?" Emmett Cullen repeated. "What's my brother doing now?."

"Why the hell did you do that?!" Edward screeched, pulling out his hair. "You messed up my chance with Swan! You made me look like a complete idiot!"

"I did it because I found it highly amusing. And actually, you made yourself look like a fool. I mean, who in their right mind would attempt to do gymnastics? Other than you and that weird girl Angela Weber or something," Emmett said coolly. "But then again neither of you are in your right mind."

"That's not the point! You made me look like a freakin' chimpanzee!" Edward shrieked into Emmett's ear.

"Actually," Emmett pointed out. "You looked like a gorilla, so technically you're wrong, though they are rather closely related in the Primate family –"

"Shut up! I don't need a monkey lesson from you!" Edward screamed, ending Emmett's brief period of intelligence.

"Anyway, why do you care so much about looking stupid in front of Bella? If it were anybody else, you would just laugh it off with them! Wait a minute…you 'like' Swan don't you?" Emmett shuddered.

"No!" Edward blushed furiously. "What made you say that?"

"…I heard that Edward Cullen has the hots for Bella Swan," the gossip queen, Jessica Stanley walked by. "And I also heard Angela Weber was an escaped mental patient. Claims that there is a government conspiracy going on and that wearing underwear is bad luck…"

"Ahh, if you want a girl, why didn't you ask me?" Emmett put an arm around Edward, I'll teach you every trick in the book."

**AN: Sorry, this first chapter was just to set things up so it was short! Another thing to keep in mind? The setting is Forks High, a boarding school! This is important for later chapters. :)**

**Lastly, REVIEW, REVIEW, REVIEW before I update again! **


	2. Chapter 2: The Advice of Emmett Cullen

**Chapter 2: The Advice of Emmett Cullen**

"Every trick you know?! This is going to be a disaster." Jasper Hale put his head in his hands the next day. He pitied Edward for being so stupid. Emmett and good advice? Honestly the three words should never go together. Unless it was someone giving Emmett the good advice and him actually listening to it. But Emmett giving good advice? You've got to be out of your mind.

"Well it's better advice than you'll ever give," Emmett stated. "I mean, I've dated hundreds of girls and you've only dated two."

"At least the relationships lasted over a month! How long do yours last? Two days! And you break up over the dumbest reasons. Like telling them they should get their noses fixed because they're just a smidgen too big," Jasper retorted. "Even if Edward is lucky enough for Bella to even agree going out with him thanks to you, I doubt the relationship will last five seconds!"

"Look, I've taught him every trick in the book!" Emmett brandished a book out with him in a thong published on it, entitled, 'What Dumb, Naive Women Love About Cheap, Shallow Men'.

"How on Earth did you get that?" Jasper stared at the book secretly thinking, 'Emmett knows how to write?'

"People insisted that I give them advice, since I've had so many girlfriends," Emmett explained. "So I've had a book available about my romantic life."

"Is the time you pashed a guy who was cross dressing in there?" Jasper asked interestedly. He earned himself a murderous glare from Emmett.

"For your information, the guy was a girl, who was pretending to be a guy!" Emmett said loudly, grabbing the attention of many people around him, confusing them and himself.

"Er, whatever," Jasper said, giving him a weird look. "No one sane will read them." Jacob Black walked past with his nose in Emmett's book.

"Jake, what are you thinking? How can you even glance at that thing?" Jasper said, shaking his head but Jake was too immersed to even notice.

"Hey Emmett, is true about how managed to convince a Jenny to pat your head because you told her she was as pretty as a mermaid?" he asked Emmett. Jasper cracked up laughing.

"I was there! She didn't pat his head! She slapped him! Mermaids aren't pretty you know," Jasper was rolling around the floor in hysterics. Lots of people were staring, thinking, 'What is he on?' and 'Where can I get some?'

Jacob went back to reading his book and as he walked away he tripped, landing at the feet of a girl called Jessica Stanley.

"How dare you look up my skirt!" She slapped him so hard, one of his teeth flew out. "You little pervert! You must be a secret agent sent from the government to keep me quiet because I know too much about their obsession with sock puppets…"

She walked away, continually murmuring this under her breath. After a long bout of laughter, Jasper collected himself and muttered under his breath, "If this is happening to Jacob, I can't imagine what is happening to Edward."

Edward was walking up to Bella and her friends. He had butterflies in his stomach. Emmett's advice better work or he was going to tell the world his worst fear – pink lipstick.

"Hey Bells, you're looking pretty hot today," Edward commented, grinning like an idiot.

"Huh?" Bella looked down at herself. She wasn't wearing anything special today so she and her friends kept staring at Edward, wondering what the hell he was on about.

"What's a girl like you doing in a dump like this?" he continued, not noticing his blunder. "Tell you what, looking as sexy as you do, how would you like to come on a date with me and show off that gorgeous booty of yours?"

The crickets were chirping real loudly now. Edward began to notice as Bella spoke.

"First of all, this dump is a school and as it is a school day today, I have to be here. Secondly, I would never go out with you, as my 'booty' is too good to be seen with arrogant people like you," Bella replied icily as her friends giggled uncontrollably.

Edward blushed; walked away with feelings humiliation and was thinking about telling the world about Emmett's irrational fear of lipstick. Edward joined Emmett and Jasper and said quietly, "It didn't work."

Edward looked so sad and gloomy, Jasper and Emmett decided not to comment on the subject any further. But once Edward had left, Emmett clutched his head and said, "I can't believe it didn't work! My books are going to hit an all time low!"

"Who cares about your books?" Jasper snapped. "Your advice only works for you because you're hot."

"You think Emmett is hot?" Jacob commented, giving them both a weird look.

"No I don't," Jasper said heatedly. "But Emmett's advice only works for Emmett because every GIRL thinks he is hot. Not everyone thinks Edward is sexy. We have the same problem – we're not that sexy. Since I can relate to him, I think I'll be able to help him."

**A/N: Hey guys! Thanks for the alerts and favourites! (: **

**New Chapter, hope you guys like it! REVIEW, REVIEW, REVIEW before I post the new chapter! **


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